Fears and anxiety are a funny thing. When I graduated college, I was fearful that I could ever provide the fulfilling life that I felt my girlfriend wanted. I was fearful that I could ever be “good enough” for her – whatever the hell that means. I had all this fear and anxiety built up that I didn’t know what to do with it. When I drove her to her job interview at Tisch Hospital, I wandered around the blocks around 2nd ave and 31st street. I contemplated my future. I succumbed to my fears. We may have dated for a few more months, but that was the beginning of the end. It was the end because I started to doubt myself.

Not to say that present day me doesn’t doubt himself from time to time, but I finally have come to grips with who I am and what I’m capable of: which is to say a lot. I am dating the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Younger me would have been so fearful about Alana. He would have felt that she was too good for him. That she would never be happy. But those insecure feelings have been vanquished and, while I know that she is without a doubt my better-half, she is someone I consider a partner and love completely.

It’s funny how going back to this place that represents a period of time where I felt weak, can make me feel so strong these days. It puts into perspective the growth that I have had over the years. As I continue to grow, figuring out the various complexities of personal growth, professional growth, and spiritual growth – I wonder what place will represent my next challenge…

And it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An’ it ain’t no use in turnin’ on your light, babe
I’m on the dark side of the road
But I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talkin’ anyway
But don’t think twice, it’s all right….

I don’t know which came first.  My love for Bob Dylan or the cynicism.  Rob Gordon asks the question but the answer is never provided.  Still, I find such beautiful, cynical music to be so compelling.  I’ve been in a Dylan mood for the past few weeks and I don’t foresee it going away.

I’m writing a book.  It’s a love story of sorts and it’s a bit of a departure from my previous writings.  Stylistically, it will probably be the same because that’s just the way I write.  But from a plot perspective, I am starting to carve out a distinct plot where my previous writings were mostly just ramblings that I would edit down.

The more I show my iPhone wallpaper to show inquisitive people what my girlfriend looks like, the more I’m realizing that the iPhone is like the new “wallet photo.” Technology is ever evolving and changing the way we socialize. While I’m not talking about tech nostalgia per se, but it does get me thinking about how certain things have changed the way we interact.

Going Out: In the trailer for the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine,” the kid is asking out a girl and asks how can she get in touch with them. He goes through all of his methods: text, email, cell phone. She finally says, “Come Find Me.” His reply would be the same as mine: “That sounds hard.” Even going back to when I was in college, we had cell phones but we still struggled to get in touch with the people that were out – texting was still relatively new. Now, I have Foursquare telling me where all my friends, acquaintances, and everyone in between are. Throw in Twitter, and I don’t actually have to actually engage with anyone to go out with them. Some people may find that weird, but the planned serendipity is nice- allowing me to just “wing” a night together and still end up hanging out with friends and having a lot of fun.

Apartment Hunting: Seriously, can you imagine looking for apartments without Craigslist? I can’t. It’s a one-stop shop. Sure, it’s the same as classifieds – except it brought it to the masses. Now, if an apartment is going to be rented, there will be an advertisement in Craigslist. It’s made it so easy to move that I couldn’t even tell you how people did it before.

Directions I was in Canada recently for a movie shoot (I know, I live such a fun life) and I didn’t sign up for the Canadian Data plan, so my iPhone was simply a cell phone. I felt lost. What did people do before GPS-enabled phones? I wouldn’t be able to do half the things I do in New York without my Google Maps. It’s crazy to think that people used to live that way…that I used to live that way…but that just goes to show how technology changes behavior.

There are so many other ways that technology has changed my behavior. I would love to hear some of yours. Leave a comment below so we can discuss.

“Writing is pain. I’m not here to make it less painful for you. I’m here to take you to new levels where you will experience deeper and different kinds of pain.” – Pat Mouton, Liverpool High School English

I started writing this post 15 days ago, when the most influential teacher in my life Pat Mouton passed away. Without her, this blog wouldn’t exist. It’s arguable if I would have even made it to college. She challenged me and helped me during a very traumatic time in my life and for that, I’m forever in her debt. The fact that I’m at a loss for words about the death of the woman that gave me the power to use them is ironic….and poetic, in a way that I think Mrs. Mouton would appreciate. Thank you, Pat – for everything you gave me and the countless other students who you touched during your time as a teacher.

As you can tell from these two pictures, the walls were in dire need of painting. The off-white color made the room feel dingy and drab – which is something you want to avoid when half your apartment is basically in a basement. I wanted to paint this wall blue, but I wasn’t sure which blue I wanted. After an hour or so in Home Depot (in addition to the past few weeks of playing with color design in my head), I finally decided to purchase a gallon of Glidden Paint, Satin Finish, Caribbean Sea Blue. I came home and shared the color with my roommate and she loved it. Without wasting any time, we went to work:

The results were exactly what I wanted. A fun blue colored wall that changes depending on what kind of light I have up against. With little light, it looks dark and deep. With a lot of light, it pops off the wall. As we debate on how we’re going to paint the other walls in the room, this stands up as the perfect execution of the vision in my head. I’m very pleased and can’t wait to get started on the other walls in the living room…

There’s really nothing more to write than that.

But….if you want me to write more, I can talk about how this non-Battlestar Galactica watching guy has really taken to the show Caprica. The episodes are compelling and interesting. The plot lines seem immense – you’re not sure where they could go and yet they are buttoned up as well. The characters are three-dimensional – you feel their emotions, you seem things simmering underneath the surface. These are things that one does not usually find in television programming. Add in the captivating Torresani, whom I have slowly fallen in love with thanks to her beautiful visage being plastered on Subways all around the city, and the Caprica universe has found a new fan.

So – what am I? Here are the things I love: Living in New York; Music (or to be more specific: acoustic rock, singer/song-writer stuff, songs with hand claps, female vocalists, folk music, songs that read like literature, hip-hop); literature (again with the specifics: Henry Miller, Vladimir Nabokov, David Sedaris, David Eggers, Nick Hornby, Gustave Flaubert, Lawrence Durrell, Michael Chabon, Chinua Achebe, Anais Nin, Sylvia Plath, Elizabeth Wurtzel); poetry; spring and summer time; the ocean; skittles; Paris; French Language; love stories; movies that make me cry; friends that make me smile; intellectual debates; colorful pictures; colorful walls; gatorade; Apple products; moleskine notebooks; women’s fashion; my bed; my friends; my family (or what’s left); my mentors; sesame bagels with cream cheese; soy chai’s from Starbucks; Pizza; Chicken Wings; comfortable clothes; dressing up; travel; blogging; writing in general; drawing (even though I’m bad at it); photography (even though I’m worse at it); alone time; being surrounded by people; karaoke; blue pens; anything minty; twitter; foursquare; social media; seeing my friends succeed; being there for people; being a good listener; surprising people; being three-dimensional; late nights; early mornings; running (when it doesn’t hurt); Basketball; Syracuse Orange (Fave Current Player: Andy Rautins); New York Yankees (Favorite Players: Derek Jeter, Robbie Cano, and Mariano Rivera)…..

I could probably continue to type about the things I love – these things that make me who I am. It’s not a complete picture, but I’m there. Lately, someone called me a “player” and that was hurtful. If there’s anything I pride myself on, it’s my complete honesty. I’m not interested in playing any sort of game. I just want to continue to add to this list of things I love and continue to add to who I am….

I don’t write about my family that much. Airing family business was a mistake I did when I was younger – and while I don’t regret it (blogging got me through most of it), maturity has caused me to be a bit less trigger happy when it comes to issues of family. That being said, I don’t see mine very much. My sister, the impetus for this post, lives in Charlotte with her husband. My dad lives upstate. My mom is off the radar in my life. My sense of family is different from others and, as I get older, I can’t help but reflect on why that is. Like I said, this blog is not the place for that but it is the place to, at the very least, record the fact that I’m thinking about it…

I wonder if I’ll somehow look back on the photos that I have on Facebook, Flickr, etc and share the same wonder and amusement that I have with these photos. I wonder as my family spreads their roots and plants them in new places, if my sister and I will share too many family moments together. It’s hard to imagine starting my own family and what that will look like, what kind of memories I will attempt to capture, and all those things in between. As usual, only time will truly be able to tell with these things. I’m glad that my sister posted these, allowing me travel back in time, to remember the days when my family just seemed so perfect….

Songs and love are something that I talk about a lot – often together.  Looking back on my eclectic music collection, I see many of the similar songs that I once used as inspiration in my more naive and blissful days.  I can’t replicate all those mix tapes from back in the day – made with Skeff, in college, and many times after – but I can write about a few of my songs that might be a bit off the radar from the conventional mix-tape.

Lover Lay Down – Dave Matthews Band

It’s hard to say that this song was under the radar, but it definitely wasn’t one of Dave’s top hits, coming on his breakout release “Under the Table and Dreaming.” For anyone growing up in the 1990′s, Dave Matthews represents the sweet saccharine songs that wowed girls and either inspired boys and made them run for the hills. I was inspired – the hopeless romantic long before I really knew what that was all about. Listening to this song for the first time in a long time (a decade, perhaps?), I can’t help but enjoy it’s simple beauty. My tastes in music may have evolved past Dave Matthews by the turn of the century, but he still knows how to write a good love song….

Forever – Ben Harper

Maybe the cynical streak is something I was born with – or at least, embedded with due to parental divorce and a uncomfortable adolescence. Either way, this song made it’s way onto so many mix tapes that I almost think it was a single – even though it definitely wasn’t. Ben would actually make many appearances on these sort of mix tapes – with songs like “Steal my Kisses” off of “Burn to Shine” being the most memorable.

Can’t Hardly Wait – The Replacement

This was always a classic staple on a mix tape – even though I’m a much bigger ‘Mats fan today than I ever was back then. It’s a classic. Not much to really write about it….

Luna – The Smashing Pumpkins

The Smashing Pumpkins were the hot band in High School. One of my favorite albums growing up was Siamese Dream. While most girls got into them during the Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness string of hits, I loved them earlier. This song was my way of being “cool” – putting a sweet song from a band that they already loved. It’s a classic mix tape move – one that I probably would still do, even if the song selection has improved.

Lullaby (Goodnight my Angel) – Billy Joel

Sure – the song is written about his daughter. My younger self even knew that. Still, I figured most girls wouldn’t and I kept this song to be one of the key closers on any good romantic mix tape. I’m not a big Billy Joel fan, but he still writes beautiful music that appeals to the masses. In other words, the perfect closer to a mix tape…

Of course, making a mix tape is a lot more than picking a few songs and putting them together. It’s about flow and balance and all those stuff that I’ve written about a million times. I just wanted to relive some of the thoughts I used to have around making tapes. Now, with my love life a lot more complicated and unpredictable, sometimes being able to just make a tape is exactly where I need to be…..

One of my favorite aspects of blogging is that I can not fully cede to the revisionist nature of human memory.  As time shifts, we remember things different.  We often call this “perspective” and we feel that we’ve reached some form of truth.  But perspective is merely a view or vantage point on a situation – something that constantly changes.  Memories, therefore, go through this mental form of telephone – getting configured and reconfigured with each new perspective until the final note is often not very similar to the original.  With blogs, I see – often in explicit form – the way I was feeling about certain things at the time.  This makes those times when you question why things happen, what could have been, and all the tidal movements in between make a bit more sense because you’re chronically life in the moment, rather than letting perspective pervert it.

Life, invariably, will move on.   While our perspective on things change, ultimately I can always come back to these vignettes of my life and toast to these passages that stake claim into the true feelings I had at the time.  The true feelings that make bittersweet dates like March 1st ring a bit emptier because all those things that you waited for and wanted, finally have reached a point to where they are graspable – except they are lost to you, forever shelved in the imaginary land of what could have been….

On March 1, I will toast to it…..and hopefully, just move on….