Goodbye….

This blog was created by me back before he ever thought that he would make any money from the internet. Since the first post (which has long since been hidden), this blog represented who “George” was as a person, his many interests, and his growing career. Change – however – is inevitable. This blog has wrestled with that change over the last few years. Only recently, has it became obvious that I have outgrown it. I still love it in so many ways, I keep telling myself that I will return to it. And perhaps I will. But my creative energies have somewhat shifted. The long form, often emotional narratives are few and far between. They lived concealed in their analog siblings or possibly lay unwritten in the crevices of my imagination. I just can’t simply write them anymore. And so, with that, my artistic expression has shifted toward simpler devices – a Tumblr blog where I spend more time reacting rather than creating – or, twitter, where I capture my daily thoughts and conversations with friends and acquaintances alike.

I want to keep this site alive – which is something I have never done with blogs before. The delete key has erased from the web so many of my thoughts, writings, poetry, emotions, stories, and I couldn’t do that to this blog. It meant to much. Everything I ever did on the web lead me here, and now I want to leave it – both as a memory of who I was, and for the possibility that I will return to it. Please – if you’re so inclined – continue to follow me on the sites listed below. If not, I understand. Thank you for reading….

Tumblr: http://www.georgegsmithjr.com
Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/georgegsmithjr
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/georgegsmithjr

George G Smith Jr
8/7/2011
George G Smith Jr
8/7/2011

My Biggest Fear is Getting Dumped Because of Eye Boogers

The downpour the past few days has finally given me respite from this insane batch of what I can only assume is pre-apocalyptic pollen that overtook New York during the first few days of May. My allergies are in full effect – something that I’m not used to after 3 1/2 allergy free years in Colorado. I don’t handle allergy medicine very well – I often compare them to a legal form of rophenol – so I’m generally stuck with just shutting up and dealing with my allergies.

Of course, that doesn’t come with it’s disgusting side effects. One of those is eye boogers. I’m talking Godzilla sized eye boogers. Because of some genetic defect or something, the papilla under my eye lids get very annoyed during allergy season and produce insane amounts of “gunk” which render contacts unuseable and can sometimes seal my eyelids CLOSED in the mornings. That. Is. Gross. Not only gross though, but painful – as REM sleep + eye booger glue = chapped eyelids.

This is a problem that I’ve dealt with for my adult life. It generally only effects about 4 weeks in the year – 2 weeks in the springtime and 2 weeks in late August. During those bi-annual two week periods – I tend to avoid all contact with the fairer gender. You see – being single for much of my adult hood, I had that luxury. Now, three days before my girlfriend moves in with me, I have good news and bad news. The good news – that 2 week period in the springtime is pretty much over. The bad news – She will be forced to deal with this in August.

The only other time that I dated a girl during this stretch was in college. My girlfriend at the time was a nursing major and she actually nursed me – helping to take care of my eyes the whole time. When I told her I thought it was gross, she mentioned that “someone pooped on me the other day” so I figure eye boogers weren’t that big of a deal. HOWEVER, by the time August rolled around – she was out of my life. Coincidence? The world will never know.

So, I haven’t been dumped by eye boogers and, for the most part, I’m pretty confident Lanes won’t dump me for that reason either. But it makes me think about what love really is – the ability to deal with the REALLY gross things that your body does. The other night, Lanes shared with me her biggest personal fear about her body. My response was incredibly loud laughter. (Editor’s Note: It wasn’t gross at all, and I think my laughter was more due to the fact that if she thought ____ was gross, than I’m going to be in for some trouble). But here we were, learning more about each other than any other human will ever know (which is probably for the best). I’m excited about the prospects that lay ahead and hopeful that, come August, Lanes will be helping me with my eye problems and not running for the hills.

Working on the weekend

Just taking a moment from working on the weekend to remind myself why I work:

The iPhone background is the new Wallet Photo

The more I show my iPhone wallpaper to show inquisitive people what my girlfriend looks like, the more I’m realizing that the iPhone is like the new “wallet photo.” Technology is ever evolving and changing the way we socialize. While I’m not talking about tech nostalgia per se, but it does get me thinking about how certain things have changed the way we interact.

Going Out: In the trailer for the movie “Hot Tub Time Machine,” the kid is asking out a girl and asks how can she get in touch with them. He goes through all of his methods: text, email, cell phone. She finally says, “Come Find Me.” His reply would be the same as mine: “That sounds hard.” Even going back to when I was in college, we had cell phones but we still struggled to get in touch with the people that were out – texting was still relatively new. Now, I have Foursquare telling me where all my friends, acquaintances, and everyone in between are. Throw in Twitter, and I don’t actually have to actually engage with anyone to go out with them. Some people may find that weird, but the planned serendipity is nice- allowing me to just “wing” a night together and still end up hanging out with friends and having a lot of fun.

Apartment Hunting: Seriously, can you imagine looking for apartments without Craigslist? I can’t. It’s a one-stop shop. Sure, it’s the same as classifieds – except it brought it to the masses. Now, if an apartment is going to be rented, there will be an advertisement in Craigslist. It’s made it so easy to move that I couldn’t even tell you how people did it before.

Directions I was in Canada recently for a movie shoot (I know, I live such a fun life) and I didn’t sign up for the Canadian Data plan, so my iPhone was simply a cell phone. I felt lost. What did people do before GPS-enabled phones? I wouldn’t be able to do half the things I do in New York without my Google Maps. It’s crazy to think that people used to live that way…that I used to live that way…but that just goes to show how technology changes behavior.

There are so many other ways that technology has changed my behavior. I would love to hear some of yours. Leave a comment below so we can discuss.

Remembering What Never Happened

On March 1st, I will toast to all things that could of been, for the things that actually happen tend to ultimately disappoint, while the things that never happen never do.  They just remain there with the a sweet sullen melancholy of what could have been….

One of my favorite aspects of blogging is that I can not fully cede to the revisionist nature of human memory.  As time shifts, we remember things different.  We often call this “perspective” and we feel that we’ve reached some form of truth.  But perspective is merely a view or vantage point on a situation – something that constantly changes.  Memories, therefore, go through this mental form of telephone – getting configured and reconfigured with each new perspective until the final note is often not very similar to the original.  With blogs, I see – often in explicit form – the way I was feeling about certain things at the time.  This makes those times when you question why things happen, what could have been, and all the tidal movements in between make a bit more sense because you’re chronically life in the moment, rather than letting perspective pervert it.

Life, invariably, will move on.   While our perspective on things change, ultimately I can always come back to these vignettes of my life and toast to these passages that stake claim into the true feelings I had at the time.  The true feelings that make bittersweet dates like March 1st ring a bit emptier because all those things that you waited for and wanted, finally have reached a point to where they are graspable – except they are lost to you, forever shelved in the imaginary land of what could have been….

On March 1, I will toast to it…..and hopefully, just move on….

The Beast and Dragon, Adored

I sat in the back of Destination, my arm around Emily, as she asked me how I could be such a hopeless romantic and an asshole.  I started to tell the story of the former love of my life; a story that contains vignettes that have her filled with such vitriol that she behaves in ways that few can believe.   Emily’s expression matched most – shock.  The fact that I described it as “romantic” is probably the answer as to why I can be both such a hopeless, yet extremely cynical, romantic.

And they adored the dragon, which gave power to the beast: and they adored the beast, saying: Who is like to the beast? and who shall be able to fight with him?

A few nights earlier, similar scene – different company, I sat honestly struggling with explaining certain aspects of my past and current relationships.  I feel that there is this pull to put definition into things that can not be defined – they are sick of the ephemeral and put rules and restrictions in order to avoid it.  And, as my previous posts illustrate, I am not absolved of that sin myself.  But, as I sat there want for words, I desired to explain everything I could about relationships.  I told them that you couldn’t force relationships.  I said you should just do what you want to do in the moment, because of the fact that most relationships fail.  I was called bitter.  I see beauty in the failure of relationships.  I see something deeply profound…

“The Beast and Dragon, Adored” is a reference, ultimately, to the apocalypse.  While the term is often used in conjunction with the end of the world, its true meaning is “a disclosure to certain privileged persons of something hidden from the majority of mankind.”  Isn’t that what love is?  When you go back to the greek origins of the word, you get “The lifting of the veil” which I can’t help but make parallels to bridal traditions.   I can’t help if I am drawn into a world that balances destruction with romance.  I can’t help it that I see Atlanta burning and I think “Gone with the Wind.”  Or the sinking of The Titanic and think of Leo.   I’ve been conditioned.  Even my conditioned has been conditioned.  And, as I evolve out of my selfish decade of my 20′s, I can’t help but wonder if this is a handicap or a realist bent that will allow me to appreciate the fruits of my laborious love life come to fruition.  I guess this will serve as my testament, my Book of Revelations….

The L Train is for “Love”; The F Train is for….

Each morning, I get on the L Train at 14th street and 1st Ave. It’s a short but nice walk for me through Tompkins Square Park and up Avenue A and across to 1st near Stuyvesant Town. I put in my (now deceased) pair of Skullcandy headphones that I received from Skullcandy back in the day, and I just cruise along to whatever band has captured my attention. Depending on the time that I get there, I am either greeted with my fellow early morning New Yorkers or I’m part of the huddled masses that are making their morning commute. It’s not my ideal form of transportation (and I take taxis often), but it works and isn’t that bad.

What makes it even better are the people that I’m huddled with. I don’t know if it’s simply the amount of people on the train or the fact that I live in an attractive neighborhood but not a day goes by without me becoming infatuated with a fellow passenger on the train. I’ve written notes so that I can remember the details for often-unpublished forays into the Craigslist “Missed Connections” section. It’s the full-fledged fantasy voyage for someone like me – a outgoing people watcher who pines for the chance encounter with love.

The funny thing, I realize that the train ride is superficial and just a fantasy.  Sure, I can see a beautiful girl and look at her flawless skin, cute fashion sense, and intelligent yet not pretentious book choice and think “wow, I would like her” but in reality, I don’t know anything about her. In accordance to “Sketch Theory” (Post on that coming soon), I create a full personality filling the gaps with the things I want in a person. She’s no longer the person sitting on the L across from me – she’s a fantasy. She’s something that, in all likelihood, could never exist. Perhaps should never exist.  As I embark headstrong into the 30th year of my life, I am starting to realize that all the fantasies and desires of my twenties are not the ideal to be chasing.  With all the complexities of human relationships, the seeking of perfection is as much of an albatross to successful relationships as the literal one the mariner carried around his neck.

In New York, the fantasy surrounds you daily.  Even right now, I am sitting in a coffee shop in the East Village surrounded by beauty of all shapes and sizes.  I see the laugh of the coffee shop barista and smile – imagining that in different, potentially intimate scenarios.  As I exited my taxi the other day, a tall, striking brunette with a British accent that I had never seen before asked if I was her neighbor.  That short interaction made me pine for a longer conversation – a fantasy one.  Fantasy bombards people daily – it’s the allure of the city.  My friends that suffer from Peter Pan syndrome and never grow up are seduced by such things.  Perhaps I may too – only a few months into this rediscovery of New York and I can’t help but fall in love daily.  I just need to remind myself that it’s all fantasy…..

**FTC Disclaimer:  I did receive a free pair of Skullcandy Headphones  back before you started targeting bloggers.  I once had someone pay my fare to get on the L Train – not sure if it was a MTA employee, but I’m just trying to cover my tracks.  I live in New York and pay city taxes, so I guess I have a financial relationship with the city although I’m pretty sure that it’s the city that should post a disclosure since I am pretty awesome and make the city better by living here.  Craigslist lets me post missed connections for free.  It’s a nice perk but I’m starting to think that Craig gets around because everyone else seems to be able to do it.  I generally like Blondes over Brunettes, but recently a Brunette bought me dinner so I’m going to say that may influence my recent crush on this brunette neighbor that may or may not have been my real neighbor.  Also not sure if the brunette that bought me dinner is part of the brunette’s union or if such a thing really exists.  I’m pretty sure that discloses everything, but if I missed anything – just let me know.  Kthnxbai**

Thinking About What Sarah Said

I was sitting with Sarah at a nice wine bar called 10 Degrees on St. Mark’s between Ave A and 1st, when she shared the story of Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez.   The story, in its basic form, goes like this:  When Spanish Conquistador Hernando Cortez landed in Mexico, one of his first orders to his men was to burn the ships. Cortez was committed to his mission and did not want to allow himself or his men the option of going back to Spain. By removing this option, Cortez and his men were forced to focus on how they could make the mission successful.

After sharing the story, Sarah looked at me and asked, “What would you burn the ships for?”   I paused.  It’s a very profound question.  I think there’s a definite part of me that would “burn the ships” for love.  In my younger days, I was probably more of a serial arsonist when it came to that subject.  As I’ve grown older and become more enamored with the world in general rather than people in specific, the things I would “burn the ships for” have become more and more rare.

We discussed the topic more and more in depth.  It was a great conversation – complete with some good Sangria, the right soundtrack in the background, and enough smiles and laughter that made the depth of conversation still feel light and airy.  We came to one conclusion:  You can only “Burn the Ships” about one thing.  That seems relatively obvious but it’s also somewhat a scary concept.  After all, if you are willing to “burn the ships” for a passion – like your career, a charity (like the charity Sarah works for: Starting Bloc), then are you giving up on love?

I told her the story of people like Sloan and Amy from ReasontoWander.com.  They “burned the ships” and went around the world together – succumbing to their wanderlust together.  Isn’t that proof that you can do it?  Ultimately, there’s passion and there’s ship burning.  You can be passionate about many things – I am passionate about writing, building community, marketing, the internet – but none of those things necessarily have me carrying a container of kerosene and matches.  So can you burn the ships for one thing but still have a passion for another?  I’m not sure – I have never burned the ships for anything….

* * * * * * *

Earlier in the evening, Sarah shared a story about how her friends Jeff and Russ started to have an argument about what happiness is.  She then stopped and asked me what I thought it was.  I paused, contemplating how to answer it.  The only thing that popped into my head was one word:  “fleeting.”  This isn’t some pejorative because I’m melancholy due to my lack of luck with les amours.  Instead, it’s a realistic view on life that conjures up the promise of a life worth living.  You see, I think humans are naturally drawn to a stagnant form of contentment – the kind of life where you go through activities because you have to, not because you want to.  Routines, structure – all those things that are integral to survival, yet aren’t anything to get “excited” for.  If you think about it, the people that you think are the happiest in your life are generally people who still get excited for the things that are normally in their routine.

So, as we get older and newer experiences become fewer and far between, finding excitement in the everyday becomes harder.  It also becomes harder to get out of that mindset – harder to give up the comforts of this contentment.  Ultimately, there needs to be some sort of inertia to get people back to seeking that excitement.   It can come in many forms – some healthy, some not so much – but learning to create your own inertia is something that I think is important.  So, when I say that happiness is “fleeting,” it’s not to say that you can’t have it but that you have to continue to chase it.  You can never stop and become stagnant.  I know this view won’t be popular with everyone.  I know many people will disagree.  But, since I adopted this philosophy a few years ago, I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been.

So – I’ve spent time thinking about what Sarah said.  I’d love to know what your thoughts are on these subjects.  Comment below, write your own blog post, or whatever it is that makes you happy….

Fairly a Fairy Tale

For the last few years, my best friend has been a girl.  Not just a girl, a specific girl with whom I have been madly in love with.  I even have gone as far as professing her to be my future wife.  Over those years, we’ve talked on the phone, over the internet, and occasionally seen each other in person.  It wasn’t ideal but when is ideal part of the equation when you’re falling in love…

For the past sixth months, I rarely went more than a few hours without talking to her.  Via text, twitter, and IM – we would keep each other up to date on the very minutia of each passing moment of time.  When night time came, we would have skype dates where we would talk about our days, share our successes, and learn from our failures.  She was absolutely perfect. She was my best friend. I knew, without a doubt in my heart, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Of course, life wasn’t without its share of pratfalls and distance was not kind to us.  First it was Albany, NY and Boulder, CO.  Then Houston, Tx and Boulder.  Then New York City and Houston.  No matter what happened, we just seemed to not be able to get our cards in line.  So we dated other people.  We still talked as much as before – if not increasing the frequency as our conversations became integral to our daily lives.  I would tell her that it’s all part of the plan.  I would tell her that we belonged together.  She started to agree.  She started to believe.

She visited me a few weeks ago.  We spent the weekend together and, ultimately, achieved a level of intimacy that we never shared before.  I told her “I love you.”  She said those same words back to me.  We frolicked in the blissful hues of young love.  We talked of future plans – her work was bringing her to Albany again.  We would be closer than ever before.  We would be able to give this a shot when she moved here.  We talked of planning – weekend visits, summer in the city; intoxicating each other in all things beautiful about love and sex and everything in between.

Sometime between our last phone call and the break up call, things changed.  She told me she was no longer planning on moving to Albany.  She told me she no longer shared the same vision.  She told me she met someone else.

Now, I don’t want to wax poetic about someone so fickle that they can tell someone that they love them and a few weeks later change their entire plans around just like that.  It’s not worth it and, ultimately, neither is she.  Still, there’s something very beautiful about settling into the soft soliloquies of sadness.  The focus not being the girl, or fairy tale plans aborted, but the emotional power that ultimately fuels us all.

I told only a handful of girls that I loved them during the past decade.  The only relationship of those that didn’t end in disaster is the one whose shirt pattern adorns the background of this blog’s header.  Sarah’s the only one whose breakup wasn’t because of lack of trust, other people, or the thousands of other things that leave people crippled and broken hearted.  Ours was simply circumstance – as she moved to Washington D.C. and out of my life.  Ironically, she lives 5 blocks south of me now.  What I learned from our recent retrospective talks is that relationships run their course.  It’s what you take away from them that matter.   Right now, I wonder what I’ll be taking away from this one…

So, single life in NYC will be interesting.  I mean – technically I was “single” which is the same designation that I have had for years.  Yet, this girl was ever-present.  My growing love for her was constant and, ultimately, got in the way of other relationship possibilities along the way.  So, now unencumbered except for a slightly sullen heart, I wonder what the world beyond has in store.  I’m a hopeless romantic with a hardened cynical streak.  I wonder which part will get reinforced during the next few months. Will I be bitter and not believe in true love anymore or will I be able to be Paul Varjack looking for his Holly Golightly?  And what if I can’t find Cat?  It’s raining…  These are the things that I am thinking about now.

Obviously – I’m close to the rambling stage now.  I’ve been up all night and I really don’t see much chance for sleep tonight.  Which is fine – I usually can run off endorphins for a day or two.  Tuesday or Wednesday might be tough.  I’m sure I’ll put together some more random musings over the next few day.  I find it apropos that the minute I decide I am going to be more authentic and real on this blog is the minute I have an emotional event in my life kick the writer in me into “confessional mode.”  I guess, ultimately, I took the expressway back to being a blogger.  A real one.  One of my favorite tweets ever was from my friend Erin.  She wrote, “I’m not a wuss.  I’m just sensitive.  I will kick your ass.  I will just cry doing it.”  I’m at the point where I don’t care if my emotional thoughts get published to the masses.  I am who I am and I’m comfortable with it.  These are just my thoughts.  Let me know your thoughts in the comments below…

Millennial Love and George Smith’s Future Wife

Eric and Alana, starting with their fourth podcast, brought up the idea of Millennial love – the way romance and love have changed with the addition of all this technology.   As a single 28 year old, the only thing I know about love is what it’s not – still, the thought intrigued me.

As people start using more and more technology – it is as if everyone is on social networking sites: from Twitter to Brightkite to Foursquare.  All three provide an interesting conundrum – knowing what someone is doing when you’re not with them.  The latter two even directly provide the location.  Modern romance, at it’s heart, is a series of Olympic level challenges balancing the insecurities of the two individuals involved.  Does she like me?  Will she like me if I come on too strong?  Should I call?  All these questions are all relatively common to the picture of dating as a whole.   Technology added more hurdles – what is the meaning behind a text message?  A Facebook “poke” (remember those)? A Twitter DM.  I know where she’s hanging out, if I go there will it appear I’m coming on too strong?  Should I stay or should I go?  Question upon question upon question…

Where do these new technologies fall in the rules of courtship?  Should the rules be evaluated?  Were there ever really rules – or just a series of phrases given to the misguided to try to establish a feeling of control in a world where chance and timing have as much to do with success as the other variables we hold in a much higher regard.

Obviously I don’t really know the answers, but I do know it will be fun to find out.   After all, all this technology will ultimately provide me a record of how I meet the woman I spend the rest of my life with.  The narrative is never truly in our control and only hindsight will really provide any answers.  Still, sometimes I wish it was just as easy as typing into Google “George Smith’s Future Wife” and finding the answer.
Then again – maybe it will be:

Be sure to check out Alana on Techyness.com and also the Millennio.us podcast!