The Un-United States of America that we live in today is centered around sex; some people call it religion; some people call it morality; but at the end of the day – it’s all sex. Who you marry. Who controls your body. What closets your trapped in. What pleasures are you depriving yourself from. Miller knew this. He captured these thoughts in so many places, but the passage from Sexus in my recent post makes me draw parallels to today’s world and the world of Miller. How many of us don’t know what we want out of life because we restrain ourselves? How many of us purge the Id from our lives in order to conform? And because of this restraint – in it’s myriad of forms, do we strive to destroy others that aren’t haunted by these phantoms. Are we simply smashing ourselves in this hall of mirrors that we call life?

If Miller can eloquently find the pressure points of human nature in the 1940′s, during the “Greatest Generation,” and they are so mirrored by today’s world – can we even claim progress? The more and more I read thinkers from the past, the more I see how things don’t change. That is both a comforting thought and one that unnerves me to no end….

Henry Miller – Sexus. Grove Press 1949.

There are few things that make me happier than working with college students and young professionals on their careers. It’s the thing that I look forward to the most in my day to day – to sit with someone and help them find their strengths, work on their weaknesses, and give them the confidence to succeed in whatever lies ahead. I think I take such pride in this because it was never afforded to me. I never received such mentoring from family, from friends, and very rarely from colleagues. My current employer is definitely a place where mentoring occurs, and as I navigate through my second year, I am looking forward to finding and cultivating those relationships that have always eluded me. I am an on search to find that person that I strive to be to the young professionals in my life.

It’s somewhat scary. My career has always been powered by my confidence. There have been many people around me that have been smarter than me. More creative than I am. More organized. Very few of them had my confidence. I, however, am at a crossroad. It’s not that the confidence has gone away. In fact, the confidence is stronger than ever. I just wonder where that confidence can be applied. What is the direction for my career? What are the next steps? What tools and weapons do I need as I step into a new arena? These are the questions that I want to ask that mentor that’s eluding me. These are the questions that this year will help me answer.

Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev’rybody knows
That Baby’s got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl

Queen Mary, she’s my friend
Yes, I believe I’ll go see her again
Nobody has to guess
That Baby can’t be blessed
Till she sees finally that she’s like all the rest
With her fog, her amphetamine and her pearls
She takes just like a woman, yes, she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes, she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl

It was raining from the first
And I was dying there of thirst
So I came in here
And your long-time curse hurts
But what’s worse
Is this pain in here
I can’t stay in here
Ain’t it clear that—

I just can’t fit
Yes, I believe it’s time for us to quit
When we meet again
Introduced as friends
Please don’t let on that you knew me when
I was hungry and it was your world
Ah, you fake just like a woman, yes, you do
You make love just like a woman, yes, you do
Then you ache just like a woman
But you break just like a little girl

I am living on 54th and Lexington in the heart of Manhattan, yet sometimes I feel so detached from the city I’ve adopted as my home. I have a great job, one that provides in excess the extraordinary life that I live. But I miss these words that I used to love. I miss that feeling of inspiration. So, in 2012, my 32nd year of existence, I yearn to get that back again; back to the words, back to the muse.

Of course, I’m not sure what that will resemble. I know that I do not plan to fellate myself in blog form; I’m not looking to create meladrama out of my first world problems through this faux-communicating and self-aggrandizing medium. I’m just looking to put words to paper, albeit in a digital form. I’m looking to capture my personal creativity in the dollup of digital amber. That’s all one can ask for these days, isn’t it?

I want to keep this site alive – which is something I have never done with blogs before. The delete key has erased from the web so many of my thoughts, writings, poetry, emotions, stories, and I couldn’t do that to this blog. It meant to much. Everything I ever did on the web lead me here, and now I want to leave it – both as a memory of who I was, and for the possibility that I will return to it. Please – if you’re so inclined – continue to follow me on the sites listed below. If not, I understand. Thank you for reading….

Tumblr: http://www.georgegsmithjr.com
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George G Smith Jr
8/7/2011
George G Smith Jr
8/7/2011

My journals – like the one pictured above – spawned websites which begat this blog, and while many of my writings have been dispersed into the ether of the internet – I can’t help but wonder what happened to that drive to create. I haven’t written anything in a while. And while the reasons for that are a mixtures of excuses, ultimately they are all just conjugations of the word “busy.” And while I sit here on the internet imbibing content constantly, I feel like I’m not creating anything.

I have this urge to create things lately. And today – it finally dawned on me. I just need to do it. I make these excuses – I’m busy, my space is uninspiring – yet at the end of the day I need to take control. I am generally doing one of two things: consuming things, or creating things. The amount of consumption in my life is unbalanced. Like a diet, I need to find the right mixture to produce the desired results.

The amazing thing is that I’m probably creating more things than I ever had before. I’m just in a different stage of creation than I ever was before. Instead of being the writer, I am more of a conductor. And while I still write from time to time – I spend more of my cognitive energies attempting to get others to compose things for me. It’s a new perspective; one that I attack with gusto even if I miss being down with pen and paper.