I went to the movies the other day – the theater on 2nd Ave and 31st street. This is a section of town that I hate. It reminds me of the past. Of ex-lovers. Of disappointment and fear. In the iconography of my life, this section of town is my version of the cave on Dagobah – where I bring with me my own fears and anxiety from life.

Fears and anxiety are a funny thing. When I graduated college, I was fearful that I could ever provide the fulfilling life that I felt my girlfriend wanted. I was fearful that I could ever be “good enough” for her – whatever the hell that means. I had all this fear and anxiety built up that I didn’t know what to do with it. When I drove her to her job interview at Tisch Hospital, I wandered around the blocks around 2nd ave and 31st street. I contemplated my future. I succumbed to my fears. We may have dated for a few more months, but that was the beginning of the end. It was the end because I started to doubt myself.

Not to say that present day me doesn’t doubt himself from time to time, but I finally have come to grips with who I am and what I’m capable of: which is to say a lot. I am dating the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Younger me would have been so fearful about Alana. He would have felt that she was too good for him. That she would never be happy. But those insecure feelings have been vanquished and, while I know that she is without a doubt my better-half, she is someone I consider a partner and love completely.

It’s funny how going back to this place that represents a period of time where I felt weak, can make me feel so strong these days. It puts into perspective the growth that I have had over the years. As I continue to grow, figuring out the various complexities of personal growth, professional growth, and spiritual growth – I wonder what place will represent my next challenge…