The movie Amelie is one of my favorite movies. In the beginning of the movie, the narrator goes on to explain the characters with a series of quirks – the little things that make each character different. Here’s a clip:
One of my many quirks is the fact that I google the ending to everything – movies, books, television shows – I can not stand to wait to figure out what will happen next. That, along with my favorite french saying “Je sais l’avenir par coeur” (via Paul Valery) illustrates what I want out of life: I want to know how it ends in intimate detail. I want to know the future by heart.
Since you can not “know” the future, I tried to impose my Will on it. I have a very strong Will. I feel that I can accomplish anything and, ultimately, when I set my mind to things – they happen. With that Will, I tried to create a scenario where I knew the future – in particular my love life. The Will is strong and I almost made it happen. When it didn’t, I found myself befuddled. How could I not get what I wanted? How could I not make something I felt such powerful passion for reality?
I was talking to Sarah today and, as per usual, her somewhat detached observational nature made me start to put into words the things that I have been feeling. I have been reveling in the uncomfortable nature of not “knowing” the future.
That uncomfortableness made me realize a lot of things about how sometimes you can’t just get things because you want them – especially when love is involved. For an average looking guy, I have not faced rejection that often. I have successfully pursued many girls that were far out of my league. And I did this with the confidence that, if I tried hard enough, nothing could stop me. My mindset always was, as I’ve written before: I do know the future by heart, because the future resides within me. My Will creates the future as I want it….
With love, however – it’s different. Love shouldn’t be the powerful Will of another causing submission. It should be the interwoven passion of two people. Back when Sarah and I dated, she did one of the most romantic things that a woman has ever done for me. I arrived at her house after work to a note that said, “Go to the place where we had our first date….” I went, where I was greeted by more clues that lead me on a scavenger hunt throughout the months of our relationship. When I finally gathered all the clues, I was directed to her place where she was there – cooking for me. We had a nice dinner and I have never felt more loved in my life. She illustrated her passion in me by going above and beyond. Our passions were aligned and that lead to our relatively successful relationship.
Looking back over things, I realize that if you spend too much time trying to create the future – you never will receive the affection in return. Over the course of years, I never did get anything in return. There were gifts of all sizes sent to whatever location she was in – even ones that never arrive because of Italian customs. There were password protected Posterous accounts that had pictures of every time I thought of her – a site with over 300 posts in 4 months that she never even bothered to check once. There was so much passion and Will to make something happen that, l forgot to even see if there was passion being returned. There wasn’t and there is really no one to blame other than myself.
So, with this introspection, I realize that I can no longer google my future to determine what will happen. There’s no “George G Smith Jr’s future is….” blog post out there that will determine it. No image search that will identify future lovers. Ultimately, it’s each and every moment – filled with the horrifically beautiful “unknown.” I think I’m finally ready to let go of the need to “know” the future and just sit back and enjoy the present…
