For the last few years, my best friend has been a girl.  Not just a girl, a specific girl with whom I have been madly in love with.  I even have gone as far as professing her to be my future wife.  Over those years, we’ve talked on the phone, over the internet, and occasionally seen each other in person.  It wasn’t ideal but when is ideal part of the equation when you’re falling in love…

For the past sixth months, I rarely went more than a few hours without talking to her.  Via text, twitter, and IM – we would keep each other up to date on the very minutia of each passing moment of time.  When night time came, we would have skype dates where we would talk about our days, share our successes, and learn from our failures.  She was absolutely perfect. She was my best friend. I knew, without a doubt in my heart, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

Of course, life wasn’t without its share of pratfalls and distance was not kind to us.  First it was Albany, NY and Boulder, CO.  Then Houston, Tx and Boulder.  Then New York City and Houston.  No matter what happened, we just seemed to not be able to get our cards in line.  So we dated other people.  We still talked as much as before – if not increasing the frequency as our conversations became integral to our daily lives.  I would tell her that it’s all part of the plan.  I would tell her that we belonged together.  She started to agree.  She started to believe.

She visited me a few weeks ago.  We spent the weekend together and, ultimately, achieved a level of intimacy that we never shared before.  I told her “I love you.”  She said those same words back to me.  We frolicked in the blissful hues of young love.  We talked of future plans – her work was bringing her to Albany again.  We would be closer than ever before.  We would be able to give this a shot when she moved here.  We talked of planning – weekend visits, summer in the city; intoxicating each other in all things beautiful about love and sex and everything in between.

Sometime between our last phone call and the break up call, things changed.  She told me she was no longer planning on moving to Albany.  She told me she no longer shared the same vision.  She told me she met someone else.

Now, I don’t want to wax poetic about someone so fickle that they can tell someone that they love them and a few weeks later change their entire plans around just like that.  It’s not worth it and, ultimately, neither is she.  Still, there’s something very beautiful about settling into the soft soliloquies of sadness.  The focus not being the girl, or fairy tale plans aborted, but the emotional power that ultimately fuels us all.

I told only a handful of girls that I loved them during the past decade.  The only relationship of those that didn’t end in disaster is the one whose shirt pattern adorns the background of this blog’s header.  Sarah’s the only one whose breakup wasn’t because of lack of trust, other people, or the thousands of other things that leave people crippled and broken hearted.  Ours was simply circumstance – as she moved to Washington D.C. and out of my life.  Ironically, she lives 5 blocks south of me now.  What I learned from our recent retrospective talks is that relationships run their course.  It’s what you take away from them that matter.   Right now, I wonder what I’ll be taking away from this one…

So, single life in NYC will be interesting.  I mean – technically I was “single” which is the same designation that I have had for years.  Yet, this girl was ever-present.  My growing love for her was constant and, ultimately, got in the way of other relationship possibilities along the way.  So, now unencumbered except for a slightly sullen heart, I wonder what the world beyond has in store.  I’m a hopeless romantic with a hardened cynical streak.  I wonder which part will get reinforced during the next few months. Will I be bitter and not believe in true love anymore or will I be able to be Paul Varjack looking for his Holly Golightly?  And what if I can’t find Cat?  It’s raining…  These are the things that I am thinking about now.

Obviously – I’m close to the rambling stage now.  I’ve been up all night and I really don’t see much chance for sleep tonight.  Which is fine – I usually can run off endorphins for a day or two.  Tuesday or Wednesday might be tough.  I’m sure I’ll put together some more random musings over the next few day.  I find it apropos that the minute I decide I am going to be more authentic and real on this blog is the minute I have an emotional event in my life kick the writer in me into “confessional mode.”  I guess, ultimately, I took the expressway back to being a blogger.  A real one.  One of my favorite tweets ever was from my friend Erin.  She wrote, “I’m not a wuss.  I’m just sensitive.  I will kick your ass.  I will just cry doing it.”  I’m at the point where I don’t care if my emotional thoughts get published to the masses.  I am who I am and I’m comfortable with it.  These are just my thoughts.  Let me know your thoughts in the comments below…